


Si vis pacem, para bellum

by scarletbluebird



Series: si vis pacem, para bellum [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: AU, Academy Years, F/M, M/M, space years
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-19
Updated: 2013-12-19
Packaged: 2018-01-05 05:00:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1089898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarletbluebird/pseuds/scarletbluebird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Tu deviens responsable pour toujours de ce que tu as apprivoisé." His mother's voice whispered in his mind and he felt himself soften as he watched Jim’s lips move, trying to shape the strange French words. Something warmed in the pit of his belly.</p>
<p>Alright. He shifted over to sit beside Jim and began to read him the book. Their shoulders pressed against each other.</p>
<p>Leonard McCoy grew up in Georgia. His father was the town doctor. His mother raised him. Even when he's the last McCoy left, he can't escape that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(French: you are responsible forever, for what you have tamed)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Si vis pacem, para bellum

**Author's Note:**

> WARNINGS: dude so many Star Fleet classes in this. What this has taught me about myself is that I wish I lived in the time of Star Fleet. Damn it. I was born in the wrong century! I put Bones and Jimmy through some classes so I could live vicariously through them. Minor character death, reference to death of a loved one, frenchspeaking!bones, oldlineage!bones, southern!bones, poetryloving!Jim, chronology jumping, negligent parents(?), dangerous situations, minor gore, artistic license, cursing. There’s some unnecessary fluff and sexual situations. Sigh. Depression.
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimers: Title is Latin meaning if you want peace, prepare for war. quote from f scott Fitzgerald. Poem is Ozymandias by Percy Shelley. I used Leonard Cohen for one line so I’d like to give him some credit. Also, the little prince weaseled his way into there…gee. In the event that I forgot anything: anything blatantly not mine is not mine.

Si vis pacem, para bellum

 

 

 

_So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past_

 

 

 ----

 

 

There is no sound in space.

 

Looking through the thin membrane of glass, he heard nothing but the hammering of his heart and the heavy breathing that came from lungs struggling to find air. He knew he was almost out of Oxygen reserves.

 

Somehow, even in this endless tailspin, even when he was swimming in the black, each fiery dot still seemed so far away.  He was an infinitesimal fish in an infinite ocean.

 

His breath caught ragged in his throat, fogging the helmet shield. Thin breaths now.

 

“There is no sound in space.” He thought he whispered. It didn’t really matter, there was no one’s ears but his own. Somehow dying among the stars was the loneliest thing he had ever known.

 

 

\----

As a child, in the hot-lands outside Savannah where the air got as thick as molasses in the summertime and the houses were all that remained of a long forgotten past – relics of a time when folks hand-tended their own crop and rode horse drawn carriages down the dusty red streets – a little boy lived.

 

His childhood home was one of those old houses; white washed wood, friendly wrap around porch perfect for a bench swing and a quiet read, spacious windows with floor length curtains that moved like ghosts in the humid air. The candle flames alongside the great doors were real fire, not the synthetic flame common in contemporary home design.

 

His father was the town doctor, his mother was from a family whose bloodline stretched back to the First Revolution, to before the Eugenics War. She threw huge galas at the house, lighting the large chandeliers in the glass-paneled ballrooms, filling the large halls with flowers.

As a boy, before the guests arrived he would walk the wooden floors of the ballroom and watch the musicians set up, watch himself in his stiffly pressed suit and mussed dark hair meet his dark eyed reflection in the mirror, watched the lights reflect themselves in the glass and great crystals of the lamps like bright stars. It scared him sometimes. He thought the flickering flames were ancient starlight captured by the forgotten people in his family.

 

“Is that how come we got so rich?” He asked his mother one time, when he was very young and serious. They often debated while she was trying to put him to bed.

 

She had looked surprised before laughing. “Of course not darling,” he later attributed his use of this word to her. “That’s called fire.” She taught him.

 

“Bu wha’ if the people we took the stars from come lookin’ for them?” He slurred as she bunched the covers up around him. He nuzzled his face into the down comforter because, while he was worried about strange blue and green aliens breaking into his house for the captured stars, he was also very sleepy. Somehow his mother could always tell and she was the best at tucking him in.

 

“I think we’ll be okay.” She promised him, petting his hair. His eyelids felt like lead weights.

 

The next day she told him the variety of ways in which fire could be used: cooking, sanitizing, warming, lighting, cauterizing, - all obsolete she assured him. “We don’t _need_ fire anymore darling,” she said. “Now we just use it to remember.”

 

We don’t need fire, he thought.

 

Many years later, on the freezing surface of an alien moon, he would look up to the stars and search for the dim light of Earth shining from billions of light years away. He would close his eyes and send a prayer of thanks to his mother before curling up against Jim in front of a small fire.

 

Eventually, at different points in his life, he would utilize fire in all its forms, to survive out in the black of space.

 

\----

 

One of the things he loved to do most as a child was to watch his mother get ready for those great parties. His father would scold and try to urge him away from her vanity, but his mother, she’d stand tall in her long gown and tell David there wasn’t harm in it.

 

He was maybe three or four the first time he remembered reaching up onto her vanity, too small to be able to see over the top of the marble but the mysteriousness of the unknown made him unable to resist temptation. He pulled down whatever his little hands could get a grip on. Often times this was a heavy silver comb, or a horsehair brush, or even a slab of makeup.

 

One time in particular he remembered it had been a rare perfume bottle and his mother had told him sternly to be careful before gently dabbing some of the perfume behind his and her ears. He’d smelled like rare Cardassian roses all night.

 

What he liked to pull down most was his mother’s gloves. As a classic debutant she had gloves that reached just above her elbow. When he pulled them off of the dresser and pulled them on, they covered his whole arm with room to spare. He loved the feel of them, how they were silky inside and soft as butter outside. “Kid” his mother called them. Kid gloves.

 

“You’re my little Deb,” She said to him, the first time she caught him wearing them. “Unfortunately, I need those back for the night my darling.”

 

He had his own pair of gloves but they were small and tight fitting and they didn’t smell at all like Mother. He figured out where she kept her gloves on regular days – tucked in a shoe box on a low shelf in her closet.  When he was having a bad day, or he missed her, he would shuffle into the closet, put on the gloves and curl into one of the corners, pulling her dresses close to himself. His mother was an important lady, so she would spend long weeks away from home and although his father was a good man, he was busy and often forgot he had a son unless he was underfoot or asking questions about being a doctor.

 

“Darling,” His mother would say the few times she found him curled up in the closet. “Don’t scare me like that.” She would pull him out from under her dress, or her coat, or whatever he had folded himself away in and pick him up, tucking him against her as she walked over to the vanity. Sitting on her lap, he would watch both of their faces in the mirror. His mother would often smile at him when he did this, but somehow he could tell she was sad. Maybe it was in the shade of her eyes, or the press of her lashes against her cheek. Maybe it was trapped in the hesitation as she opened her mouth to speak.

 

“Why do you hide in the dark darling?” She asked him quietly. He folded his arms, tucked his hands into fists, making the fingers of the gloves droop like some weird sea creature. In the future he would often think of this question and what it meant for him.

 

“I wasn’t hiding,” He mumbled, tucking his head under her chin, one of his favorite places. “I was waiting for you.”

 

“Vous m'avez trouvé, ma chérie.“ She whispered into his hair. “Now it is time to go to sleep.”

 

“Non!” He said, hoping the French would help delay his bedtime. Instead, his mother merely smiled and gently moved to remove the gloves. “Let me keep these.” He tried to bargain, pulling his hands to his chest.

 

 

“My darling,” She sighed, standing with him in her arms. “These gloves are for ladies, why do you want them?” The hall of their home was dark and winding in the late hour. Holos on the wall of their distant relatives gleamed in the dim lamp light as she walked with him to his room.

 

“I wear them because I miss you, Mama.” He said sleepily against her shoulder, clinging when she leaned down to lay him gently on his little bed. She shushed him, rubbing his back until he fell into his dreams.

 

The next time she caught him in her closet she didn’t say anything at all. Eventually, when she had to leave town, he’d find the white shoe box resting on his bed like a friend when he was weighed down with the loneliness that came from growing up in a huge empty home.

 

\----

 

“I’m all that’s left now.” Leo whispered to himself, the night he killed his father. He was sitting on the steps of the big old house, the hot Georgia weather making his shirt stick to his back. His eyes felt like dried out husks of corn. He couldn’t even make himself drink. He didn’t have the will. He just stared out into the night, but he couldn’t see anything.

 

_This_ he thought _has to be the worst feeling._

 

But he was wrong.

 

The worst feeling in the world was having someone around, but feeling alone. It was worse than being alone.

 

To her credit, Jocelyn had tried, she had been patient the first few months after David’s death but she didn’t understand. Leo had spent many a night staring at the ceiling of their bedroom, willing himself to say something, to crack open his shell. But his mouth remained sealed. He and Joce had already been heading towards a precipice, he knew. Things had not been right between them for a good long time. The look in her eyes wasn’t the same, and he couldn’t stand to think what it would look like if he had told her what he had done.

 

Eventually, the understanding grew to bitterness, grew to resentment. Grew to an affair, grew to a divorce.

 

“I’ll see you soon,” Leo had promised, speaking into Jo’s little shoulder. Her arms were clinging to his neck and he could feel her wet nose against his skin as she sniffled.

 

He hoped to any god that may exist that he wasn’t telling his little girl a lie. 

**\----**

 

Maybe it was the way of things, the children coming into their own, forgetting their parents, leaving to travel down that long and winding road alone. At least he thought that was how it was supposed to be. The alternative was always too horrible to imagine.

 

“Tu deviens _responsable pour toujours de ce que tu as apprivoisé.” His mother read to him from one of her old books while he tucked himself against her warmth. Her voice was soft as she spoke to him in French, absently petting his hair when he stopped her to point at the pictures._

_When he was older, he realized that he took for granted the fact that he had real paper books growing up. Took for granted his Mother too. Their library was huge, floor to ceiling and so grand that it housed at least 6,000 real paper books._

_Later, when he showed Jim a holo of it, the kid almost died. Blue eyes wide, he’d punched Leo on the shoulder in excitement before going on and on about a play that some guy named Shakespeare wrote.  Leo had never heard of the guy, except in passing. And when Jim quoted long flowery sentences at him._

 

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me your family had that kind of money!” Jim’d exclaimed, making Leo fidget uncomfortably.

 

“Well…” He didn’t really know what to say to that. What _did_ one say to that?

 

“Hey, it’s cool.” Jim grinned at him, leaning back in his chair. He twiddled a penlight between his nimble fingers. “Next time you go back, can you bring me a copy of Hamlet to read?”

 

“Sure thing.” He sighed. He’d dig through the boxes of books decaying in the old house and just give Jim the damn thing. And maybe some of the boxes too, after all, he had no use for them. The only book he’d even kept was the worn copy of Le Petit Prince his mother had read to him as a child.

 

At one point in his youth he had considered burning it in a fit of rebellion, but had instead thrown it into the back of his closet and there it had stayed until he’d left Georgia. Now it rested under his bed in a plastic box along with his father’s antique stethoscope.

 

He casually mentioned its existence to Jim after they shuffled out of xenolinguistics.

 

“You have a book _here_?” Jim gasped like he’d walked in on Leo masturbating to ducks or something. He supposed it was sort of strange, seeing as the only known paper books in San Fransisco were in the Fleet Library and they weren’t removable.

 

“Er, yea?” He grumbled as Jim nagged him into skipping his next class, going back to the dorm and pulling out the plastic box from under his bed.

 

“What the hell is that?” Jim asked as he lifted out the stethoscope. “Some kinky sex device?” He leered over at Leo, raising his eyebrows.

 

Leo rolled his eyes and put the little knobs of the bell in his ear. “Stethoscope.” He said, putting the diaphragm against his heart and listening to its quick beat. Still worked. “It’s to listen to your heartbeat.”

 

Jim looked fascinated as Leo carefully removed the stethoscope from around his neck and handed the device over to him. “Can I?” He motioned and before Leo could say anything he had pressed the diaphragm against Leo’s chest.

 

“It sounds like the ocean.” Jim’s eyes were so wide he couldn’t help but laugh, and then laugh some more when Jim flinched at the loud noise and pulled the bell down around his neck, rubbing at his ears.

 

“Owwww, Bones.” He complained, but his eyes were squinting in that way they got when he was pleased about something. Jim looked down into the box and, upon eyeing the book, made a strange yelping noise and pulled it out. “Huh.” He said looking at the title. Then he looked up at Bones. “It’s in French.”

 

“Yes.”

 

Jim tilted his head at him.

 

“But you don’t speak French.”

 

Leo rolled his eyes. He said, “Au contraire, je ne parle français. » Just to watch Jim’s eyes widen in surprise. 

 

“Oh.” Jim gazed at him lost in thought before shaking his head and looking down at the book. “I’ve heard of this.”

 

Of course he had. Leave it to Jim to know some obscure children’s book from centuries ago. “Of course you have.” He drawled.  “You can borrow it if you want.”

 

Jim looked up in surprise.

 

 “No big deal.” Leo said gruffly. “But it had better be returned in this same condition. Exactly this condition.”

 

Jim mock saluted him. “Aye Aye Captain.” He winked.

 

Five year old. Leo rolled his eyes but as he watched Jim crack open the book and skim the pages, running his fingers over the drawings he couldn’t help but think of his mother. _Tu deviens_ _responsable pour toujours de ce que tu as apprivoisé._ _Her voice whispered in his mind and he felt himself soften as he watched Jim’s lips move, trying to shape the strange French words. Something warmed in the pit of his belly._

 

_Alright._ He thought, shifting over to sit beside Jim and began to read him the book. Their shoulders pressed against each other.

 

\---- 

 

It was depressing for him to be reminded of his failures. Although, he supposed no one liked to be reminded.

 

Often, in those first few months of Star Fleet, when classes let out for the day and he didn’t have any clinical shifts, he would find himself along the walking paths by the bay.

 

 The Golden Gate Bridge, used now as nothing but a monument and pedestrian path, towered over the city. Jim’s voice drifted through his mind as he stared up at the rust covered monolith.

 

What was it Jim would always quote as they walked across the bridge? The breeze drifted his bangs over his eyes and he swept them away with irritated fingers. Shifting the scarf tighter around his neck and dipping his chin underneath its protection he meandered towards the relic.

 

Ancient asphalt cracked from years of abuse provided a reminder of the age of motorized vehicles. The bridge had lost its appeal over the years and only a few stragglers ever bothered to walk all the way across.

 

_I met a traveler from an antique land,_ Jim’s voice came to his memory, alit on the breeze. Kid loved to spout archaic poetry at the most random of times.

 

Leo stopped midway across the bridge and leaned his arms on the aged railing. Looking out across the bay he tried to imagine, as he often would, what it must have looked like back in the past centuries. How dirty it must have been with the industrial gases and pollution of the car. It was hard to imagine because the San Franscico of now gleamed with bright metallic buildings and laser lines of hover-cars, trailing each other, creating drift lines like psychedelic after images on the back of an eye. The trees, he supposed, would have still turned red in autumn.

 

 Leo shook his head and looked down at the water. _It would be far to fall_ , he thought. There was a protection field around it now but, back in the day, how were people brave enough to walk across without the assurance of a safety net?

 

He shook his head again, hunched against the wind and turned around to head back to the Fleet dorms. At the base of the bridge he gazed up one more time to look at the dim old bulbs that were just lighting up as the sun began to sink.

 

_Nothing beside remains. Round the decay of that colossal wreck_ , Jim’s voice supplied. Leo heaved a sigh and turned away. He couldn’t remember the rest.

 

**\----**

During the first few weeks of their acquaintance, Jim and he spent most of their time together in the early hours of the day. Really early. Sometime between 2am and 5am. Leo would be asleep, sheets wrapped around his legs, when he’d hear the buzzer to his room go off.

 

The first time this happened he’d growled and pulled the pillow down over his head, snuffling into the mattress. On the verge of sleep, the damn thing had gone off again and again until finally, he’d flung the pillow at the wall and sat up. He’d grabbed for his boxers and yanked them on. He glanced around the room as he shuffled to the door. His dorm was dark and mostly empty but for a few boxes shoved into the corner. Leo was grateful that he didn’t have to deal with a roommate. At least Star Fleet thought he was worth that much.

 

The door buzzed again.

 

“Aright Goddamnit, I’m coming, hold your fucking horses.” He growled, reaching the door and slamming his hand against the palm reader. When the door moved aside, he looked out but couldn’t see anyone. “Damn kids.” He bitched, glaring down the hallway.

 

“Hey.”

 

He jerked in surprise and looked down to the right. Jim was sprawled out, hunched over with his cheek resting against his knees. One eye was blackened shut and the other was rimmed in red. His mouth was bloody. The kid looked like he had just come back from taking one hell of a beating.

 

“Holy shit, Jim!” He scowled, grabbing the kid’s arm and pulling him ungracefully to his feet. Jim winced but then smiled, cracking open the cut on his lip. Leo dragged him back inside his dorm and sat him down on the other, empty bed.

 

“Stay right there,” He barked, stomping into the bathroom to wash his hands and grab one of his first aid kits. He stomped back out of the bathroom, growled and turned back to rifle under the sink for his extra tricorder. When he finally ran back to the other room, Jim was still sitting on the bed. He was picking at Leo’s blue quilt with pale fingers. Leo stood in the doorway and watched for a moment, as Jim sighed and looked up. Their eyes met.

 

“Here,” Leo said hoarsely, holding up the tricorder. Going up to Jim he turned on the device watching as it blinked at him almost impishly. He sighed with exhaustion and began to run the device over Jim’s head, reaching out to push his hand gently through the matted blond hair, searching for lacerations.

 

Jim’s eyes closed and Leo imagined he could feel him leaning against his side – skin warm against his skin -  when he held up the tricorder to read the screen’s results. Nothing too serious, mild concussion, mild bruising, generally what Leo expected.

 

“Well you’ll survive I reckon.” He pulled open the first aid kit and knelt at Jim’s feet, pushing them apart.

 

“Hey now,” Jim wiggled his brows and then winced when Leo pressed an antiseptic pad to a cut next to his lip. “you suck at foreplay Bones.”

 

“How would you know? Hush now kid, let me take a look at you.” He murmured, when Jim opened his mouth to argue.

 

He pinched Jim’s chin between gentle fingers. He had some dirt ground into his plush bottom lip that Leo scrubbed at. Jim hissed.

 

“Shush, you’ll tear your lip open again.” Leo rubbed some regen-gel onto the wound before moving to the large gash over Jim’s brow.

 

“Jesus.” He cleaned the wound as best he could and dabbed on more of the gel before shaking his head. “This needs a regenerator Jim, you should com-“

 

“No,” Jim reached up and grabbed his wrist tightly. Leo felt his bones creak. Jim’s eyes were dark when they met Leo’s. “I’m not going to the clinic Bones.”

 

Well, alright then. “Jim.” But Jim had that stubborn set to his jaw that told Leo there would be no changing his mind, at least not tonight. “Fine,” he dug around for an old-fashioned butterfly clip and gently used it to close the cut on Jim’s eyebrow. Leo stood up, wincing as his knees cracked and closed his kit. “Here, you can pass out on this bed, let’s get you under the covers.”

 

Jim didn’t move, just cocked his head like a strange bird as Leo put the kit and tricorder on his desk.  When Leo walked back over and bent to pull off the kid’s boots, Jim curled his toes, looking up at him. After a moment, his eyes fell to Leo’s torso and stayed there. Leo felt himself flush, suddenly very aware of his state of undress and resisted crossing his arms.

 

“Well, what are you waiting for, a written invitation?” Leo grumbled, but waited for Jim to move on his own. It wasn’t good to pressure Jim into anything.

 

In a lot of ways the kid reminded him of this old dog he had growing up. Poor Bo had been beaten as a pup and later rescued by the McCoys. While Leo was hesitant to call Jim a dog – although he sometimes acted like one – they shared similar tendencies. For example, Jim always ate like it was his last meal; Bo had done the same. For all Jim was stubborn he was also ridiculously anxious to please; Bo had been the same. Jim would flinch – minutely but still obvious to Leo – at loud noises or sudden touches; Bo had done the same.

 

Eventually Jim looked away, blinking long in exhaustion. Leo bit his lip and pulled the covers from under Jim’s butt, scooting him gently to the side and folding them over him when he collapsed like he had strings holding him up and they’d just been cut. Jim gave him another slow blink, gaze raking over him, before pulling the covers up over his head.

 

Leo watched the mound of covers for a moment before rubbing his neck and shuffling to his side of the room. He called to the computer to shut the lights off.

“Won’t your roommate mind that I’m in his bed?” Jim asked, voice fuzzy beneath the covers.

 

“Nah, I don’t have one,” Leo yawned, climbing into his own bed. “Was a stipulation I had when I signed on.”

 

There was silence from the other bed as Leo settled down but just as he was on the verge of falling asleep he heard Jim’s quiet voice in the dark ask-

 

“Who are you?”

 

He squinted up at the ceiling, watched the lights of a passing vehicle move like a ghost across the room.

 

“Trust me kid,” He eventually mumbled out. “I’m nobody.”

 

When Jim didn’t respond, he closed his eyes and rolled over. It took a long time for sleep to come.

 

 

When the sky was streaked a strange slate grey, with the first rays of light stretching over the horizon, Leo woke up and looked across the room. The other bed was empty.

 

 

 ----

 

 

They camped in Yosemite during their summer break between second and third year at the Academy. Jim had goaded him to come along, for three solid weeks before the end of term.

 

Leo had gone back to Savannah in the awkward break between first and second year because Jocelyn had threatened to move if he didn’t visit his daughter.

“I’m afraid,” He’d admitted to Jim at the big Shuttle Port in San Francisco.  The Golden Gate gleamed in the distance, a constant in so many ways.

 

“I think these things are pretty safe.” Jim tried to joke, but his eyes were tired. “Bones,” He said then. “It’ll be okay.”

 

“I don’t know how to be father.” He blurted, staring at the bridge. It was a wonder that it was still standing after so many years. He turned to watch a shuttlecraft land.

 

“The trick to being a dad,” Jim said smoothly, stepping in front of his glare, “Is being there. Jo, loves you. She misses you. It. Will. Be. Fine.” He hesitated then like he was waiting for something before closing his mouth and sighing. Leo noted how the sun all but lit up Jim’s hair. Kid shined like those damn beacons that lit up in the ocean at night.

 

“You better get going.” Jim’s voice cut into his thoughts, mouth curling into the ghost of a smile.  “I’ll see you when you get back.”

 

Now, as they huddle around a fire  - deciding to go old school for the sake of adventure as Jim would say – Jim asked:

 

“Why didn’t you ask me along?”

 

“What?” Leo slapped a mosquito to a pulp against his leg. Damn things, and damn lying bug spray. That poison sure didn’t stop the suckers from biting him.

 

 He looked up at Jim who was frowning at the fire. Kid was too serious sometimes for his own good, and at other times he was a fugacious youth.  “What did you say?”

 

“It’s just,” Jim sighed then absurdly, laughed which made Leo grin despite his confusion. “It’s stupid, but last year I thought you were gonna take me with you to the mythical ‘Georgia’.” He even made air quotes.

 

“…Oh.” It was a surprise and he hastened to continue as Jim looked embarrassed. “I thought about it, I did, but Jim…I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone. It was,” He grimaced. “Awkward.” To say the least. Eating dinner between Jocelyn and Clay was nothing short of Hell on Earth. The only worthwhile part was having Jo smile at him and call him Daddy.

 

Jim sighed and while Leo didn’t like the look on his face, what could he say? Sorry seemed...so useless. He’d always hated the word; the way people said it as if to make up for their own ineptitude. His mother said it when she left, the police had said it, his father had said it for years as the illness ate away at him, Jocelyn had said it with spite in her eyes when he had caught her with Clay, it had never served to make him feel any better but it definitely assisted in making him feel like an ass.

 

“Next time.” He found himself saying and when Jim looked up at him in surprise he found he didn’t even have to force a smile. “Jo will love you.” He said, throat tight. Just like I do.

 

Jim grinned at him. “Well of course she will, what’s not to love?” He petted down his chest as if to emphasis his appeal and Leo thought to himself that this must be what coming home felt like.

 

\---- 

 

Jim tried to talk him into taking Turn-of-the-Millennium Technology as a general electives course.

 

“It would be a great survival aid for us.” Jim urged as he hovered over Leo’s shoulder while he filled out his class forms on the PADD.

 

“Survival aid for what?” He groused, signing up for a 9:30am xenolinguistics II course. The PADD flashed, filling in his schedule.

 

“For space travel Bones.” Jim’s tone made Leo look over his shoulder.

 

Jim frowned down at Leo’s PADD like he’d just come to some sort of realization. His brows were drawn together, somehow making his eyes seem even bluer. It made Leo want to squirm in his chair.

 

They had never talked about post-academy plans – well he hadn’t. Jim had ranted on since practically the first day about how he was command track, gonna graduate in three years – and by damn the kid was such a genius, Leo had no doubt that he would – how he was gonna be captain and travel the universe discovering new species, saving people, etc. He’d never asked Leo’s plans, never mentioned Leo in _his_ plans – not until now.

 

 To be honest, Leo had tried to not think about the decisions that would come after graduation. That was future Leo’s problem as far as he was concerned. Although he figured he’d end up back on the East coast working in a Federation hospital.

 

 On dark nights when he lay curled up under his covers condemning himself to the deepest levels of hell for his life’s choices, he knew it was more likely he’d rot on a Star base studying some foreign disease, alone. So yea, mostly he tried not to think about it. He felt like he was always fighting, had been fighting all his life, and for what? A sense of peace? Happiness?

 

As the silence grew, he realized Jim seemed to be waiting for him to speak.

 

“What?” He flexed his hands and Jim’s eyes shifted away from the PADD to squint out the window. He looked tired, Leo thought. Jim studied too hard.

 

Still, he couldn’t think of a damn thing to say.

 

Eventually Jim bit his lip, looked back at him. “Nothing.” He said after a moment when Leo failed to speak. He looked down and shook his head, ran his fingers through his hair and let out a tight laugh. “Hey I’m gonna go for a run.”

 

“Jim-“ But Jim shook his head at him, winked and sauntered towards the door.

 

“No worries Bones,” He smiled. It was a grin Leo saw on his face all the time. The sort of smile you gave to a stranger who passed you by on the sidewalk. A throwaway grin. “I’ll swing by later, we can get dinner or something.” The door slid open and he waved over his shoulder as he walked out. Leo looked at the empty hall, at the door when it slid closed.

 

He sat there until the PADD flashed at him again, signaling that he still had one more class to fill in. He looked down at the listing for some long minutes before hovering his finger over Xenobiology IV. His heart was beating so fast, he could feel the pulse of it in his throat.

 

“Damn it!” He shouted before stabbing his finger against the screen on ‘Turn-of-the-Millennium Technology’.

 

 “Who knows, it could come in handy.” He didn’t know who he was trying to fool, but the flash of the PADD seemed to goad him into throwing it across the room. It hit the door with a bang and bounced a couple of times before settling on the floor. 

 

When Jim swung by some 5 hours later he seemed to be in a much better mood.

 

“Ready to eat?” He grinned, cheeks flushed like he’d only just stopped running.  “I’m starving.” He set the PADD Leo had thrown at the door gently down on the desk. Leo flushed and grunted his thanks.

 

“Yea, let’s go.” He stood and stretched his arms up, cracking his back. Damn, he was getting old. He glanced at his Xenolinguistics I PADD in disgust and rolled his eyes as he heard Jim laugh at him. “Shut up, Jim.” He stomped past the other man and out into the hall.

 

Over dinner they talked about their favorite books. Jim was a huge fan of reading the old plays. Probably not much else to do growing up in Bumfuck Iowa although Leo knew Jim read because he craved knowledge and found all kinds of books interesting, not because he was bored.

 

“Shakespeare.” Jim said with reverence, Leo rolled his eyes, knowing what was coming. Jim stuffed some pizza in his mouth and proceeded to quote Hamlet at Leo while chewing in a disgusting fashion.

 

Leo had been very careful, making sure Jim had picked all the olives off of his pizza. Kid was allergic to everything under the sun it seemed. Jim had wanted to get an artichoke piece, having never had one, but Leo made him get another type. He didn’t feel like dealing with a possible allergy after the long day he’d had.

 

Leo wasn’t sure what it was that predisposed Jim to such allergy, but he had his suspicions. Watching Jim eat, Leo had a feeling it was something they would probably never talk about. Although, Leo also suspected that Jim knew Leo knew about Tarsus IV, since he had made Leo his primary physician. Also, Jim got a strange look in his eyes when Leo made him eat a big plate of vegetables with every meal.

 

“Shakespeare?” He goaded Jim, loving the look on Jim’s face. He couldn’t help but laugh, and then laugh harder when Jim’s jaw dropped and some pizza fell out.

 

“Oh shut up,” Jim stuffed the half masticated piece back in his mouth, chewing with exaggeration. “You are an uncultured pleb.”

 

“ _I’m_ uncultured,” Leo scoffed, gesturing at Jim’s appalling table manners.

 

“ _You,_ ” Jim nodded in agreement. “you don’t even know Shakespeare.”

 

“I’ve heard of him,” He huffed, crossing his arms. “He wrote all that romantic mumbo-jumbo. I’m surprised you like him so much.”

  
  
Jim frowned at him. “He didn’t write ‘mumbo-jumbo’,” he air quoted “his plays were revolutionary. They mean something.”

 

Sometimes Jim was so earnest it almost hurt to look at him. “Alright Jimmy,” Leo found himself saying. “I’ll have to read one.”

 

“Read Hamlet.” Jim said, picking up his water and staring down into the glass like he was looking for answers. “It’s my favorite.”

 

“Alright.” He said again.

 

That was the start of a strange mood between them that lasted several days until the start of the new semester. He had read Hamlet over the course of those three days and had randomly quoted Shakespeare to Jim to try to lighten up the situation. Strangely, it had seemed to piss Jim off more then anything and so eventually, Leo had just said he enjoyed the work and thanked Jim for his recommendation. Jim had nodded, like he was embarassed, and changed the subject.

 

On the first day of the new semester, Leo woke late and stumbled, half asleep to the Millennium Tech class. Jim was already there; golden head bent down over his PADD and Leo watched him, with a fluttery feeling in his stomach. He swallowed and moved to take the seat next to him.

 

Jim glanced up absently and then did a double take, neck jerking in surprise.

 

“Bones!” He gasped, eyes wide. “Bones, you…but, Bones…you…” He trailed off, staring. Leo bit back his grin and took his PADD and holopen out to take notes.

 

“Yes, me. Bones. Eloquent as always, Jim.” He raised his eyebrows, refusing to be embarrassed when Jim’s gaping mouth transformed into a blinding smile. That was the smile, the kind of smile you didn’t give a stranger. He would never admit to anyone but he loved his nickname, as ridiculous as it was. It secretly made him feel sort of badass.

 

Jim laughed. “You-“ He was cut off as the Professor began to speak. When they turned to face the podium, Leo could see Jim smiling down at his PADD out of the corner of his eye. Leo smiled to himself.

 

What followed was a 2-hour mind-numbing lecture on how to use stone knives and tan hides. _What the hell_ , he thought to himself, struggling to stay awake. It was especially boring since his father had taught him how to skin a deer when he was 7. There were some perks of growing up in the South.  He spent most of the class wondering what the hell he had been thinking signing up for the damn thing in the first place. Jim was taking diligent notes next to him.

“Hey,” Jim said after class as they were waiting for the other students to flood out. “I’m glad you’re here.” He seemed calm in a rare way.

 

“Well it’ll probably come in handy for space travel.” He grumbled out, slinging his bag over his shoulder and leading the way down the lecture hall’s cramped aisles. He heard Jim’s steps behind him

 

Whatever strange thing that lay between them, settled after that.

 

 ----

 

 

 

Time passed, as time was wont to do. The hot weather of summer collapsed into the brisk winds and crunchy leaves of fall. San Francisco helped to remind Leo that his blood was inherently entrenched in the South. While Jim ran around in cutoff shorts and t-shirts, Leo would be wearing jackets by the second week of September. Jim kissed him for the first time that month, as the leaves from the maple tree outside the astrophysics building began to turn red and fall to the ground.

 

He was bitching about subspace theory as they stomped down the steps – okay as he stomped down the steps – Jim was quiet next to him and when he turned to look, he found the man staring up at the red leaves.

 

“What?” He grumped, kind of agitated at the lack of attention.

 

Jim shook his head and watched some leaves fall, the sun gaped through the trees, casting his hair in bright relief. Leo felt his chest tighten and he cleared his throat in surprise when Jim suddenly looked at him. His eyes were incredibly blue today.

 

“What?” He asked again, voice strangely breathy. Jim just tilted his head and his eyes widened in the way that told Leo he had just figured something out. Suddenly, Jim walked swiftly towards him, leaned into his personal space, breathed against Leo’s mouth and then they were kissing.

 

Leo froze, hit with a sudden wave of heat as Jim gripped his sides with tightly clenched fingers, wrinkling his uniform and moaning wetly against his mouth. Then his hands were in Jim’s hair and he kissed back, kissed for all he was worth, pressed his tongue inside and ran it along the roof of Jim’s mouth. Time seemed to collapse in on itself and Leo lost all awareness except for the press of Jim’s body and the softness of his lips that he had often thought were made for this type of kissing.

 

Eventually, the need for air forced him to pull away and he met Jim’s eyes, taking in the dazed look and curling grin.

 

“Well,” Jim chirped, mouth red, and Leo couldn’t help himself – he leaned in for another kiss. Jim laughed against his mouth, created a fuzzy vibration between them and Leo pulled back laughing too. “Well,” He said again. “That was pretty awesome.”

 

Leo rolled his eyes, still grinning and blushing like a fool because he could see people watching them and whispering behind their hands. “Yea,” He said. He ran his hand through Jim’s hair and watched the kid close his eyes, blissful. “Yea it was pretty awesome, wasn’t it.”

 

Together they walked to the Fleet cafeteria, brushing the back of their hands together

 

\---- 

 

Sometimes for as much of a genius as Jim was, he was also a total moron. He had a way of getting under Leo’s skin that no one else did and he was completely oblivious 99% of the time – or at least he pretended to be.

 

Jim would say: “Let’s go to the bar.”

 

He would say: “No, I have to study. You go ahead.” And Jim would smile, give him a kiss, and go, not realizing that what Leo really wanted was for the damn kid to stay in just one night.

 

Jim would say: “Gary wants to go for a ride on the bike.”

 

He would say: “Well gee Jim, you can do whatever you want can’t you?” And Jim would laugh, give him a kiss and go take a ride with Gary – Gary of all people! Not realizing that Leo just wanted to be invited along, or _something._

 Jim annoyed him, and confused him, and just generally frustrated the hell out of him. Sometimes he really questioned if it was all worth it. His life had been so _simple_ before Jim. The kid really twisted something in his wires. Jim would leave and he’d lay his head down on the wood of his desk and sigh deeply. Being in love sucked sometimes. 

 

Other times it was wonderful. Like when they stood in line at the coffee shop and Leo would squint at the holoboard and try to figure out what he wanted, annoyed that the board pictures would change too quickly for him to read through all the options. Jim would reach over and rub the back of his neck, or grab his hand, or press his stubbly chin against Leo’s face and inhale.

 

\---- 

 

 

After a 14-hour shift at medical the last thing he wanted to come home to was a Jim Kirk sitting cross-legged on his bed. He didn’t object to his presence, especially since he was wound free and smiling, but it was 4am, at the very least Jim should be curled up asleep under the covers like he was supposed to be. Leo’s personal space heater.

 

“Bones!” He chirped when the door slid open and he trudged inside. He certainly felt like a Bones this morning. A bag of bones maybe.

 

“What?” He grunted out, peeling off his medical shirt and sniffing it. Wrinkling his nose, he flung it into a corner and pushed down his pants, ignoring Jim’s soft whistle. He fell across the bed, nudging Jim and making him squawk as he fell over. “Get under the covers or get out.” He groused into his pillow.

 

He felt Jim hesitate and stand, but after a moment the kid crawled under the covers to join him. He listened to Jim order the lights off and sighed with relief at the darkness.

 

“Ladies gloves?” Jim rubbed against his side, very naked. A hand ran down his back and it felt so good he almost forgot what Jim had said until a very wet tongue made its presence known in his ear. “I didn’t know you were into that kind of thing, Bonesy.”

 

“Damn it Jimmy,” He grumbled out, turning his head to dislodge the wayward tongue. He was too tired to feel even an inkling of embarrassment and while he usually enjoyed Jim’s flirtations despite himself, right then he just wanted to be unconscious. “Stop snoopin’ in my stuff. Tomorrow. I’m tryin’ to get some sleep here.”

 

“Sorry, sorry,” Jim’s lips pressed softly against the back of his neck. “Night Bones.” Damn him, he sounded amused.

 

“Nnhh.” He thought he managed to get out before he fell asleep.

 

The next day he woke up with Jim curled around him like a boa constrictor. Leo rolled over, pinned Jim to the bed, waking him up in a flurry of arms and legs that quickly wrapped around him when he figured out Leo’s intent.

 

“Bones,” Jim gasped as Leo’s lubed fingers moved between his legs. He was gorgeous like this, flushed and panting against him.

 

They both missed first period and were late for second.

 

\----

 

It was highly improbable that Jim completely forgot about the gloves after that, but Bones wasn’t about to bring it up. It wasn’t embarrassment, but neither one of them were keen on talking about their past – having both joined Star Fleet to forget about said past…it was bound to bring up some painful – and unwanted conversation on both ends.

 

Whatever they were to each other, and well - Bones was pretty sure what they were especially since Jim started sharing his bed every night and the bed that he had previously slept in now held a mountain of dirty clothes, PADDS and strangely, a small sheep figurine. Anyway, whatever they were, they didn’t discuss _feelings_. Ever. Maybe that was his decision, maybe it was Jim’s, but other then the occasional soft kiss hello, they weren’t really mushy. Talking about his mother would definitely require mushiness.

 

Confused, and annoyed because of it, he stomped into the cafeteria and all but dropped in a seat across from Jim who glanced up from his PADD with a look of surprise that quickly faded to warm welcome.

 

“Hey you,” Jim said, taking a gulp of his water. He cocked a brow at Bones’ frown. “Er, what’s up? Another long medical shift in your future?”

 

Teasing now. Classic Jim. Bones eyed him for any sort of visible treachery, but the other man’s eyes were a clear and easy blue. Soft when they looked at him. Damnit. If he was hiding anything it was buried deep inside gooey-eyed Jim.

 

“Jim,” He sighed. “About the other night-“

 

“Hey,” Jim lifted his hands, palms out. “Say no more man, I totally get it.”

 

“Er…” Bones scratched his neck. “You…do?” Unexpected.

“Yea, totally,” Jim waved his hands, it was awkward to watch. After a moment he sighed and splayed them out on the table. They were nice hands, Bones thought distractedly, pale and slender, much like the rest of Jim. “It’s not a big deal.” He heard the other man finish in an easy tone. Almost too easy.

 

He glared but Jim’s gaze was placid as he hummed and turned his attention back towards his PADD. His left hand inched further across the table to cover Bones’ own, thumb rubbing idly along the inside of his wrist.

 

“Hmphf.” Bones curled their fingers together and set about eating his own lunch with his other hand. He watched the curve of Jim’s lip as he read. Something was definitely afoot.

 

\----

 

 

That night, as Jim slumbered, Leo went to the worn shoebox where he kept the gloves.

 

Holding them in his hands now was a strange experience. The majority of his memories of them were when he was a child. Back then his hands were so small that the gloves seemed enormous. Now, it was almost funny how tiny they seemed in comparison between his wide palms. How small his grown mother must have been when to him she always seemed a god, larger then life.

 

Instinctively, he tried to pull one of the soft gloves over his hand, but he could only manage to fit in three fingers before the kidskin tightened enough that he worried about tearing the seams.

 

“Damn,” he whispered, although he shouldn’t be surprised. With his left hand he ran his fingers over the stretched gloves. Soft, even after all those years. He sighed, pulling the glove carefully off and placing it in the box with its mate. He stared at them for a moment, running his hand down their length. Funny, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking again. The whole glove was so much smaller then even his forearm. Maybe it wasn’t so funny.

 

When he closed the lid on the box and looked up, he jolted. Jim was lying in bed, but he was watching from under his lashes, full mouth curled up into a knowing smile.

 

Bones couldn’t think of a thing to say, and Jim didn’t offer a reprieve to the silence, just pulled back the covers and allowed Bones back into the warmth that his body radiated.

 

“I think you’d look sexy in lady’s gloves.” Jim mumbled against his throat, pressing their hips together.

 

Leo flushed. “It’s not like that.”  He gritted his teeth as Jim brushed their cocks together, reaching down and grabbing both of them in his hand creating a slick tunnel with their precum. Jim hummed, moving wet kisses up his neck.

 

“It’s okay.” Jim said, against his mouth, pressing his tongue inside. Leo’s back arched and they moved against each other, restless beneath the sheets. It was so much easier not to argue, to let Jim pump his hand over them both, to spurt onto their bellies and chests, to feel Jim bite at his chin and spill hotly against him. In the aftermath, they panted into each other’s mouths. Jim’s breath tasted sweet when Leo sucked on his tongue.

 

 

 

That was the last time Jim brought up the gloves for a long while. Leo knew he had realized the depth of Leo’s embarrassment and appreciated his atypical self-restraint. Eventually, Leo pushed the incident to the back of his mind and the box stayed tucked away under his bed. Life puttered on.

 

\----

 

After the Narada incident, they were back at Star Fleet, finishing up their year. Leo was pretty sure Jim was going to get his coveted position as the newly minted Captain of the Enterprise. The press had hounded them when they first beamed back from the ship, surrounding them in a flood of eager questions. Jim had been swept away by the crowd- Leo had stood there, eyes on Jim’s back until it was impossible to make out anything but a flash of Jim’s blond hair.

 

Annoyed, he pushed his way through the crowd, ignoring the reporter’s questions.  In the safety of a hover cab, he felt his PADD buzz against his leg. Pulling it out of his pocket he read the message calling him to an informal hearing that following morning at 0800.

 

_For the knowing unauthorized admittance of personnel on the USS Enterprise._ Read the end of the missive.

 

When he made the decision to sneak Jim on board, he had known he would face an inquiry. Still, the message makes him clench his PADD in a bloodless grip. Anger flooded his body at the injustice of it all. It wasn’t like Jim had saved the galaxy or anything like that. Fucking bureaucrats.

 

He stared out the window of the transport as it moved away, at the passing lights of the city. _If this is going to be it_ , he thought. _At least I made damned sure it was worth it._

 

He didn’t see Jim until way later that evening. He’d had half a glass of bourbon and was sitting in his favorite chair, trying to read an article on his PADD about some new xenobiology experiment, but his brain wouldn’t focus so he was mostly staring at the bright screen of the PADD and letting the letters and numbers bleed together.

 

He heard his door slide open behind him but he didn’t look up until a pair of arms encircled him from behind.

“Hey,” Jim’s voice was exhausted and muffled against his neck. Leo closed his eyes and leaned his head against Jim’s turning to kiss his cheek.

 

“Hey.” He mumbled back, rubbing his lips against Jim’s stubble, enjoying the scratch. He pulled back to look at Jim, whose face was droopy with fatigue. “Let’s get you to bed, Jimmy.” He smiled as Jim blinked slowly.

 

Getting up from the chair, he helped lead an uresisting Jim into the bedroom and stripped him slowly, fingers lingering on his skin. Jim hummed against Leo’s shoulder and clung to him. He was always particularly tactile when tired. 

 

Naked together under the covers, Jim curled his legs over Leo’s hips and sighed into Leo’s shoulder. It was his favorite place to tuck himself when on the verge of sleep.

 

“Meetings go okay?” Leo whispered into Jim’s hair.

 

“Hellaciously long.” Jim tilted his chin up to kiss Leo. For a moment all the worries crowding his head disappeared. “I have more tomorrow.” He whispered against his lips.

 

Leo’s heart lept to his throat. “Yea, I have one too.” He ran his hands down Jim’s back, to his ass that he squeezed fondly.

 

“What for?” Jim pulled back. He crinkled his brow and with his flushed cheeks and messy hair, Leo couldn’t help but move in to press a kiss again. His brain whirred, on overdrive as he pulled back. Should he say something? There was nothing either one of them could do about it, and Jim was so tired he didn’t really want to make this night any more stressful for him than it already was.

 

“Not sure.” He ended up saying. He knew he was condemning himself later, should something happen but he just couldn’t make himself talk about it.

 

 

“Poor baby.” Jim whispered, rubbing the back of Leo’s neck. He tucked his face back against Leo’s shoulder.

 

They laid there, curled together. Leo listened to Jim’s breathing grow deep, felt his body relax against his own and knew he was asleep. He kept rubbing Jim’s back and staring at the wall.

 

At some point he must have fallen asleep because his shrill alarm woke him up at 0620.

 

Jim moaned and rolled over, pushing his face into his pillow, flinging an arm over Leo’s chest.

 

Leo sighed and rubbed a hand over his face before reaching over to palm the alarm clock. The silence was glorious. He turned and nuzzled into Jim’s warm shoulder, gently biting the skin before moving up to kiss the faint scars lining his jaw.

 

 

Jim turned and slit open an eye.

 

“Morning.” Leo whispered, kissing the side of his mouth.

 

“Mrff.” Jim gave him a blue-eyed glare, closing his eye. But when Leo made to move away, he wrapped his arms like an octopus around Leo’s shoulders.

 

“Got to get up,” Leo whispered.

 

“You are up.” Jim pushed against him pointedly, eyes still closed, dark lashes pressed against his cheeks. Leo moaned, curled his fingers into the bed sheets. He pushed back against Jim, before fumbling at the bedside drawer for some slick.

 

“We’ve gotta be fast Jim,” He whispered, hitching Jim’s legs up. “I can’t be late.”

Jim kicked Leo’s back with his heel. “Get to it then, old man. Giddy-up.” He nipped at Leo’s jaw.

 

“I’ll show you old-” Leo growled down at him, making Jim laugh.

 

\----

 

An hour later, Leo stood in front of Admiral Archer’s office, with his fists clenched.  The door slid open and he was beckoned inside.

 

There were 3 people sitting around the conference table. _Great,_ thought Leo. _Informal hearing my ass._

 

“Lieutenant Leonard Horatio McCoy,” intoned an older woman. She was frowning at him. “Do you know why you’ve been called here?”

_Fuck you_ , he thought. “I prefer Doctor McCoy. And I have no idea.” He gritted out, standing at attention. No one told him to transition to at ease.

 

The woman’s frown deepened.

 

“You are here to be questioned about the unauthorized presence of one James Tiberius Kirk on board the USS Enterprise.” The man sitting next to her said.

 

“Lieutenant McCoy,” the woman spoke again, ignoring his request. “Why did you sneak Cadet Kirk aboard the USS Enterprise, against explicit orders.”

 

 “He’s my patient.” Leo said stiffly. “I brought him on board as such.”

 

“There’s no record of illness prior to his boarding,” The woman made a note on her PADD.

 

“His treatment is recorded on the USS Enterprise med files.”

 

“Yes, we have those here,” The woman said, looking down at her PADD. “explain to us what happened.”

 

“He was having an allergic reaction to a vaccine I administered.” It had been a gamble, giving Jim that vaccine. He knew he couldn’t have gotten away with administering a known allergen – as Jim’s doctor he would never have given Jim something he’d had a reaction to. He had to do some quick guess-work, choosing a vaccine similar to one Jim had had a serious reaction to before. As he had stared down at the vials, Leo remembered the time Jim had caught fleas from Admiral Archer’s dog, how Leo had administered the vaccine and how Jim had been fine for about five minutes before puffing up like a ripe plum.

 

Which was precisely the reason why he had administered that particular vaccine. He could see the questions lining up in front of him, like he was staring into the muzzle of a gun.

 

“And at what time did you administer the vaccine?” The man asked.

 

Leo felt a sinking feeling in his chest. He’d thought this over carefully, all through the night. How much he could lie and possibly get away with. It all depended on just how interested they were at getting at the truth. He could lie and say that he had administered the vaccination earlier, but there were too many cams at the shuttle deck that would be able to knock down that lie.

 

_When telling a lie,_ Jim’s voice _the trick is to keep it as close to the truth as possible._

 

“I gave it to him on the flight deck,” Leo said grimly. “He had been exhibiting symptoms, and I knew I didn’t have time to take him to the med center.” He knew that admission was a breach of protocol and even though they’d slap him on the wrist for it – it was a much lesser breach than sneaking a grounded cadet aboard a starship.

 

“There was no mention of any complaints in Cadet Kirk’s file,” The woman droled. It infuriated Leo that she didn’t have the courtesy to look up at him, instead spent her time scrolling through his file on her PADD.

 

“It was during a personal conversation that Cadet Kirk shared this with me,” Leo gritted his teeth. His shoulders were starting to ache he was holding them so stiffly. They had yet to tell him ‘at ease.’

 

“I analyzed the situation and reacted as best I could considering the circumstances.”  _Fuck. You._ He thought, over and over again. To hell with them if they thought he was going to admit to anything.

 

“When Cadet Kirk reacted adversely to the vaccination, I took him aboard the USS Enterprise as my patient so I could treat him as soon as possible.” He finished. The woman was giving him a skeptical look above her glasses and Leo suddenly missed her staring at her PADD.

 

“This is highly irregular.” The man sitting next to her said. She nodded at him.

 

“The situation Star Fleet faced was also highly irregular.” Leo couldn’t help himself. The man’s lips pursed and he grumbled something to himself.

 

Admiral Archer, who had been silent up until this point, cleared his throat. The woman and man turned towards him.

 

“Irregular or not,” The Admiral said. “Cadet Kirk was grounded.”

 

“With respect sir,” Leo said, resignation settling like a pit in his gut. “Cadet Kirk was going into apoplectic shock, I had to take him aboard the Enterprise. He has a record number of fatal allergies and I didn’t want to risk this being one of them. First and foremost, I am a doctor, and as my patient, Cadet Kirk was my top priority. I don’t give a damn if he was grounded or not.” He clenched his teeth. “Sir.”

 

The woman looked like she had swallowed a lemon. The man next to her was turning red. Admiral Archer however, looked almost amused.

 

“Of course you are,” He murmured. For a moment he and Leo looked at each other, Leo refusing to look away. “Well,” The Admiral said at last. “I think we’re done here.” He turned to look at the other two, who were now gaping at him.

 

“But, but he broke regulation.” The woman’s hands grasped her PADD in a white knuckled grip.

 

“Ah yes,” Archer looked back at Leo. “Lieutenant Mccoy,” He frowned at Leo. “Consider this a formal reprimand. Take your patients to the med ward. And do not let unauthorized personnel aboard a Star Fleet ship again, do I make myself clear?”

 

“Yessir.” Leo said, though his mind was strangely blank.

 

“Great.” Archer nodded, stood and rubbed his big hands together. He walked around the table and gave Leo a hearty slap on the shoulder, knocking him off balance. “At ease Lieutenant,” The man chuckled.

 

Leo relaxed his shoulders, watching Archer out of the corner of his eye.

 

“Let me walk you out,” Archer said, paying no mind to the two people stewing silently behind them.

 

When they stepped into the sunlight, Leo squinted towards the sky. His legs felt like jelly, he turned towards the Admiral. The man was smiling placidly at him. It made Leo distinctly uncomfortable.

 

Leo cleared his throat. “Er. Thank you. Sir.” 

 

Admiral Archer gave him a slanted look. “Seems I should be the one thanking you Dr McCoy.”

 

Well, what could you say to that?  He held still as the Admiral gave him a pat on the shoulder and trotted briskly down the stairs.  Leo watched him walk across the campus square.

 

“Well,” He said to himself. “That was fucking weird.”

 

 

 ----

 

“How was your day?” Jim asked, unscrewing the lid of his electrowater with unnecessary focus. Leo watched him for a moment, taking in the pinched mouth and clenched fingers turning the lid.

 

“You know.” He sighed, setting his tray down.

 

Jim glanced up, brows lowered. “Pike told me.” He said, after a moment. Then, “Bones, why didn’t you say anything?”

 

The worst part was that Jim didn’t look angry. He looked hurt.

 

Leo shrugged, uncomfortable. “I didn’t want you to worry about it Jim. There was nothing either one of us could do to change things.”

 

Jim was silent, eyes steady on Leo’s. “What happened?” He asked, voice calm in the way he had about him when he was information gathering. This was Jim feeling vulnerable, not at all impartial, but trying to pretend to be impartial. He got that way when people asked him about the Kelvin, like being in that escape pod, being minutes old, somehow made him an expert. He got that way when people talked about eugenics, he got that way when people talked about genocide. He got that way when people talked about going home for the holidays.

 

Leo readily explained the odd meeting, watching Jim absently rub his fingers across his mouth. At the end of Leo’s rant, Jim heaved a sigh, like he was deflating.

 

“Glad to see the Admiral wasn’t crazy enough to punish you.” He said, taking a sip of his water. “And Bones?”

 

“Yea?”

 

“If something like this happens again…Just…Next time, please tell me.” Jim didn’t ask, but the look in those bluer than blue eyes was hesitant. It hurt Leo’s heart to see. He reached across the table, and covered Jim’s hand with his own, stroking those nimble fingers.

 

“I will, Jimmy. I promise.” He said softly, and kept holding Jim’s hand, until that darkness in Jim’s eyes disappeared.

 

 

 

\----

 

The rest of the year passed in a blur. Classes were informal and mostly pointless. Leo taught a couple of courses in xeno biology, which Jim liked to crash by making come hither faces at him from the back of the seminar room.

 

“Inappropriate,” Leo grumped at him, when Jim trekked down the steps to his desk after class. “you are a menace.”

 

“Oh you love it,” Jim winked at him, grinning. His eyes crinkled with glee. “Just like I love watching you try to hide your erection behind the podium.”

 

“You!” Leo scowled, blushing furiously. “I do _not_ have an erection!” He did have an erection, but he would be damned if he was going to admit it to Jim. He nudged his chair, and himself, further under the desk.

 

“Mhmm,” Jim’s tongue peeked out between his teeth. “Let’s see about that shall we, _professor_?” He swaggered around the desk and, when Leo refused to let him pull the chair back, simply pushed the desk back until there was enough room for him to crawl under it. He pulled Leo’s chair closer and Leo could hear him laugh, feel the vibration of it against his leg.

 

“This doesn’t look like nothing to me, Bones.” Deft hands, and then a warm wet mouth.

 

“Fuck!” Leo blurted out, before sinking lower in his chair, hands gripping the edge of the desk.

 

Leo’s eyes went wide as a few ambitious students began to file in for the next class five minutes early.

 

“I…hate you…” He hissed out between clenched teeth, to the man under his desk.

 

Jim did nothing but hum at him in response.

 

_Fuck_ , Leo tried to keep his face straight, but he knew he was turning red. A couple of his students gave him strange looks but he waved them off in what he hoped was an offhand manner. He turned his face down towards his PADD, as his hips jerked mindlessly. God it felt good.

 

Jim’s mouth worked tirelessly against him, tongue swirling with every lengthy suck. His hands rubbed along the inside of Leo’s thighs, balls, further back to press at his perineum.

 

_Fuck, I love you_ , Leo thought.

 

 

The day they officially graduated dawned with a bright blue sky.

 

Leo helped to fix Jim’s hat, which the other man had tilted at a rakish angle on his head.

 

“Aw, why’d you have to do that?” Jim whined, but he let Leo straighten the hat, and rub the back of his neck.

 

“That’s how you’re supposed to wear it, kid. Hey,” Leo leaned his forehead to Jim’s. “I’m proud of you, Jim.”

 

Jim got that look in his eye, like he just realized Leo was seeing him, really seeing him. Through out their friendship, Leo would occasionally catch that look, mostly out of the corner of his eye, or when he was first waking up in the morning. It was the look of someone who thought they were asleep, dreaming and hoping they wouldn’t wake up.

 

Leo leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to Jim’s mouth.

 

“Thanks Bones.” Jim whispered, hoarsely.

 

_They’re gonna make you Captain, Darlin.’_ Leo thought.

 

 And they did.

 

\----

 

 

“God damn stupid, incompetent, where the hell did those idiots learn medicine that’s what I want to know, unbelievable, moronic, stupid-“

 

“You already said that one Bones,” Jim trilled from the couch. He was watching with amusement, as Leo threw off his chemical-stained blue uniform top and threw it in the refresher with an air of deep disgust. “Hey there.” Jim leered at Leo’s bare chest.

 

Leo glared over at him, before heaving a sigh, walking to collapse next to him on the couch. Jim slung an arm over his shoulders and Leo tucked his head against Jim’s neck.

 

“Bad day?” Jim ran his hand through Leo’s hair.

 

“Mmmm.” Leo said, rubbing his nose behind Jim’s ear. When Jim shivered, Leo felt a smile curl his mouth despite his grumpiness. He leaned up, pressing kisses against Jim’s jaw. “I know what could make it better.”

 

Jim’s laughter caught in his throat. “Oh yea?”

 

“Yea.”

 

\----

 

Jim had a habit of diving head first into dangerous situations. Most of the time, he was lucky and came out with barely a scratch. When he wasn’t lucky though –

 

“Get me a hypo of hemoglobin, now.” Leo gritted out, hands pressed to the wound on Jim’s stomach that was currently gushing blood.

 

Sulu, who was crouched behind the rock with the two of them, glanced at him with wide eyes. “What?” He gasped out, ducking behind the rock before leaning over the top to quickly return fire. Phaser fire slammed into the side of the rock, close to Leo’s head. He bent closer to Jim.

“Come on, man! It’s in my med pack next to you.” Leo urged Sulu, pointing with his chin.  He looked back down at Jim, who was panting through pale lips. “Hurry.” Leo whispered.

“’Ones. Bones.” Jim slurred. He was watching the proceedings through hazy eyes.

 

“You’re fine Jim,” Leo said in a steady voice, he took the hypo from Sulu when it was shoved in his face. He held it up to Jim’s neck and faltered for a second when he saw the blood coating his hands. Taking a deep breath he steadied his hand and pressed the hypo against Jim’s neck.

 

“Shh,” He said when Jim made a noise of discomfort. With the blood booster added, he set about dressing the wound.

 

5 hours later, in Sick Bay, Leo held Jim’s hand while he slept. He looked down at the torn cuticles and tapered fingers. So fragile. So essential.

 

“You’re gonna be the death of me Kid.” He said, watching the gentle rise and fall of Jim’s chest.

 

\---- 

 

One night, during their first shore leave, Leo came out of the bathroom to find Jim in bed with the covers pulled up to his chin.

 

“I thought we were going out to grab some drinks.” Leo put his hands on his hips.

 

“I had a better idea.” Jim’s eyes peaked out from above the comforter.

 

“Jim.” Leo rolled his eyes. “Come on, we have all week to have sex, I want to see the city.”

More of Jim’s face peaked above the comforter, and yup, he was pouting.

“Bones,” He said, lower lip sticking out, eyes serious. “If you do not dim that light and get into bed right this minute, there will be some serious repercussions.”

 

Leo’s heart raced. “Oh yea?” He drawled, sliding off his coat and going to dim the lights. He figured they had all week to see the city anyway. “Is that a promise? Captain’s orders?” Hitting the switch, he slinked over to the bed, and crawled up Jim’s prostrate form, straddling him.

 

Jim’s eyes were dark as they gazed up at him through his lashes. “Yes. It is.” He said, voice soft. He reached up a hand to tug on Leo’s hair and bring him down for a kiss. Somehow, even after so many years together, Jim Kirk still made his blood sizzle.

 

Pulling away, Jim stroked Leo’s cheek fingers catching on stubble. Leo turned his head to press a kiss to his palm and then pulled back in surprise.

 

“What the hell?” He asked, staring at Jim’s hand. Jim brought his other hand out and held them up in display, palms out.

 

“Jim.” Leo said after a moment. “Mind telling why you are wearing lady’s gloves?”

 

“Oh come on Bones,” Leo could see that, even in the dim light of the room, Jim’s cheeks were turning red. “You like this.”

 

“I do?”

 

“Yes you do,” Jim watched him for a second before his smile faded away. “Right?” His mouth twitched and he started to look unsure of himself. Leo hated that look - few people had the power to put it on Jim’s face.

 

Leo sat up, sitting on Jim’s lap. “Well,” He mused, taking Jim’s right hand in his own. He ran his fingers along the soft palm of the glove, up those long fingers, down the arm. The gloves ran to Jim’s elbows and Leo admitted to himself that they looked pretty damned good against that creamy skin. He bit his lip.

 

“Yea.” He pressed Jim’s hand against his cock, which was hard against his belly. “I do.”

 

Jim palmed him and grinned when Leo let out a moan.

 

“Oh I’m going to have so much fun tonight.” He said as he rolled Leo over and began pulling off his clothes. Jim, Leo saw in the dark, was already naked.

 

“Jim,” he gasped out, when Jim pushed his legs apart, pulling him down the bed until Jim could easily grind his erection against Leo’s ass. His gloved hands ran down Leo’s thighs, stroking over his cock and down between his ass cheeks. Leo’s toes curled.

 

“Bones,” Jim opened up some slick that he had pulled out from god only knew where. He grinned down at Leo, hair mussed, panting. He looked like some sort of strange god. “You’re probably not going to be able to walk very well tomorrow. Wish I could say I was sorry, but I’m not.” 

 

\---- 

 

“Jim will you just calm down.”

 

“I’m perfectly calm. I want to go for a walk Bones and-“

 

“You’re in no shape to go for a walk now –“

 

“I’m in fine shape, I feel fine-“

 

“Jim, you’re-“

 

“Bones, I am _fine_ now get out of my way and-“

 

“Damnit Jim! Shut up and go sit your ass down right now!”

 

Jim stared at him for a moment, mouth pursed. He heaved a sigh. “Bones-“

 

“I am not arguing with you about this Jim.” Leo said, crossing his arms. “Go sit down. Now.”

 

Jim looked at him and heaved another sigh before stiffly walking over to sit on the couch.

 

“I think you’re over reacting.” Jim said, softly.

 

“Yea, well I think 3 weeks ago you were dead!” Leo shouted and then, when he saw Jim wince, almost regretted it. Almost.  He stomped over to the couch and sat next to Jim, pushing their legs together. “Look at me.” He said quietly.

 

Jim looked down at their legs, looked up at him. Despite the copious amounts of sleep he was getting, he still had those dark circles under his eyes. They somehow made his irises shine all the bluer.

 

“Bones,” Jim whispered. “I’m okay.”

 

“Jim.” Leo reached out, and suddenly their hands were clutching at each other. “Jimmy,” Leo said against that soft blond hair. “I can’t lose you.”

 

“You won’t Bones,” Jim’s hands were tight on his shoulders, breath soft and wet against his neck. “I’m right here. Thanks to you, I’m right here.”

 

“Just stay.” Leo rubbed his nose against the fine strands, sniffling.

 

Jim wrapped his arms tightly around his shoulders. They were practically sitting in each other’s laps. “It’s alright honey,” Jim whispered, kissing Leo’s cheek, jaw, mouth. “I’ll with you. I'll stay.”

 

\----

 

There is no sound in space, Leo knew. Through the thin membrane of glass, he watched the stars spin by. His hand, tired now, clenched tightly against the tear in his evac suit. It was to no avail, he also knew. He was losing air.

 

_So small between the stars_ He thought, dizzily. He was so tired now, but he refused to let his hand slip. He thought of blue eyes. How could he never see that color again? Even in his dreams he had never been able to recreate it. He thought of Jim. Jim’s hands.

 

“So far from home.” He thought he said to himself. His breath fogged against the glass until he couldn’t see anything. Or maybe his eyes were closed, he couldn’t tell anymore. Maybe someone would find him, maybe they wouldn’t. He was too tired to care.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'll continue this. Also, I don't speak French, so if any translation was fucked up. That's why. 
> 
> French: Vous m'avez trouvé, ma chérie.“ - well you found me, my darling
> 
> Non! - No
> 
> “Tu deviens responsable pour toujours de ce que tu as apprivoisé.” - you are responsible forever, for what you have tamed
> 
> Au contraire, je ne parle français. - actually, I do speak French


End file.
